DEAR MASTER DISNEY: ROGUE ONES: A HATE MAIL STORY
by Vyrazhi
Summary: The cast of "Star Wars: Rogue One" sends angry letters to their Master at the Mouse Factory.


_**DEAR MASTER DISNEY: ROGUE ONES: A HATE MAIL STORY**_

 _A Ter-Rebel Collection of Contemptuous Correspondence by Vyrazhi, ©2016_

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I do not own any of the characters or settings mentioned. With that said, enjoy!)

 **Dear Master Disney:**

 **WTF is going on during the first five minutes of** _ **Rogue One?**_ **Too many PLACES! Too many NAMES! Too many CHARACTERS! Too many SEIZURES brought on by your CGI-on-heroin special effects!**

 **Your Paying Audience**

 _Dear Audience Who Didn't Pay Nearly Enough,_

 _Weren't you paying attention?! In the words of Jyn Erso's very-quickly-late mother, "Trust the Force," okay?_

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Why in the Force couldn't I use the Force? I swear, if I had been a fledgling Jedi like that "Ma-Rey-Sue" bimbo in Episode VII, you bet I would have succeeded on my mission WITHOUT DYING!**

 **Jyn Erso**

 **P.S. Why wasn't my last name spelled "Urso," as in "bear?" That would have been way cooler.**

 _Dear Jyn,_

 _Let me put it this way: Why do people watch superhero movies? So that they can live vicariously through the ridiculously-costumed (well, not you) and ridiculously-overpowered presences on screen. Do regular people have superpowers (read: Force powers)? No. Sure, they love to see Jedi, but we here at the Mouse Factory have been getting a lot of complaints that we don't represent the common man enough. Hence, you. You may have gotten the short end of the lightsaber when it comes to Force abilities (and truly meaningful dialogue), but you will still be an inspiration to budding feminist 6-year-olds everywhere. Rebellions, even in the rubbish-maelstrom of today's toy market, are built on hope!_

 _P.S. We spelled it "Erso" intentionally, as in, "Er, so, why isn't she a Jedi if she's so dang important?"_

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Out of the 2 hours and 13 minutes this movie ran, why did my awful hologram last 30 minutes?**

 **Galen Erso**

 _Dear Le Chiffre-turned-into-Another-Dead-Cipher,_

 _We needed to show Jyn crying for that long to prove she was compassionate and loving, and whatnot._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **How come I wasn't as important as that blind guy? Huh? Huh? Why did I WIND UP DEAD?**

 **That Big Dude with the Weak Arm that Spread an Important Rumor at the Beginning**

 _Hey You,_

 _In the STAR WARS universe, only the strong – meaning "fit" – survive. Jabba the Hutt died too, remember?_

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **If I was one with the Force, and the Force was with me, why wasn't I the character called "Bodhi"?**

 **Chirrut Imwe**

 _Dear Cheer Up,_

 _Crap! I knew our writers mixed your name up with that barely-coherent pilot's. We'll fire them all ASAP._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **How in the Force did I get from being nearly-dead to enough of a deadeye shot to save Jyn Erso?**

 **Cassian Andor**

 _Dear Cash-in,_

 _If we're going to get technical, you didn't really save her. You just delayed the inevitable for a few more scenes. If you recall, Jyn had already transmitted the Death Star plans to the Rebel Alliance. As to how you got up to the top of that vertiginous communications tower, "elevators" are an ancient marvel we still have people using in the STAR WARS universe. As to how you went from "unconscious" to "unstoppable" – eh – uh – the Force works in mysterious ways._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Why wasn't I given a bit more dialogue?**

 **K-2SO**

 _Dear Don't-Be-2-Much-of-an-SO-K?_

 _You droids can really get annoying if you talk too much. I needed you to be brawn in this movie, not brains._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Why did I start repeating Chirrut's prayer after he died? My huge gun protected me, not the Force.**

 **Baze Malbus**

 _Dear Machine-Gun-Bazing,_

 _Ever heard the saying "There are no atheists in foxholes"? Neither are there any on hostile Imperial bases._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **So, all things considered, I'm still confused on one crucial point: Was I a good guy or a bad guy?**

 **Saw Gerrera**

 _Dear Sawed-Off Legs,_

 _You know that line where Cassian says, "We've all done terrible things for the Rebellion?" That's you, times twenty or so. The Rebellion disowned you, or you disowned them, whichever came first, but you would still kick the posterior regions of any Stormtroopers nearby. So, you were both – good enough to rebel, but too evil for the official rebels to play with you as a card in their destruction deck. Let's split you 50/50. Ha!_

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Who am I again?**

 **Bistan**

 _Dear Dristan (hee hee, that rhymes!),_

 _In a movie with this many characters and this many plot twists, even we don't know/can't remember. Bye._

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Why did Darth Vader Force-choke me when I reported to him? I told him the truth, for Force's sake!**

 **Director Krennic**

 _Dear Die-rector, I WILL FIELD THIS ONE. (Ignites his lightsaber)_

 _(Sings to the tune of "The Imperial March")_

" _If you see me, you KNEEL. Yes, you KNEEL. I'm Darth Vader. You stood. Did not KNEEL." (Breathes)_

 **Dear Master Disney,**

 **Why didn't I kill Katniss Erso-deen and Lando "Cassian" myself?**

 **Darth Vader**

 _Dear Darth Vader,_

 _Because it didn't suit our purposes. Now it's YOUR turn to kneel._

 _MASTER Disney_


End file.
